mal’s Weblog

{August 30, 2012}   OCD – an order

I believe I possess the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

And I believe I am blessed to be in possession of such a skill.

In fact, this is not even a disorder. It is termed a disorder by those too unfortunate not to have it. In all their jealousy and envy, they give it a name with a negative connotation.

Rather, this is order, the only order that helps put everything in order.


{August 25, 2012}   of men and women

Phyl: Ok I’m confused. You’re saying that if she tells me she has a problem, I’m not supposed to help her?

Woman 1: Not unless she asked for your help.

Phyl: But if she lets me help her I can make her problem go away.

All the women in the parlor: Aaahhh haha. That is such a male thing to say.

Phyl: Well forgive me for being a male.

Woman on left: When you say “Do this,”, or “Do that,” all she’s hearing is “I’m smarter than you.”

Phyl: Believe me she doesn’t think that.

Woman on left: Mm-mm. She doesn’t want you to solve her problems. She just wants you to give her support so she can solve her problems herself.

Woman on right: Yes, and sometimes, sometimes she wants a sympathetic ear.

Phyl: Whoa…whoa.. Maybe it’s all the creams but that just made sense, girlfriends. So if Claire says, “I hate getting stuck in traffic,” I shouldn’t say, “Maybe you should leave earlier,”

Woman on right: No.

Phyl (continuing): Or “Don’t get on the freeway,” I should just say, “I know, that’s so frustrating”

All the women in the parlor: Yes, that’s it!

Phyl: Really

All the women in the parlor: Yes! Yes!

Phyl: And if she says, uh, “The waiter I had today was so rude,” I shouldn’t say, “Maybe you should just order something on the menu for once,”

Woman in front of him: No.

Phyl (continues): I should just say, “What a jerk!”

All the women in the parlor: Yes! Yeah! Yay!

Phyl: And if she says, “Phyl, the TV’s driving me crazy,” I should just say, “I know, there is just not enough quality programming for women”

All the women in the parlor: No!!

Woman on right: Turn off the damn TV.

Phyl: Ok, now I’m confused again.


The above is an almost accurate transcript from one of these TV shows I’m watching these days. There are several reasons I felt the need to go through the trouble of transcribing it and put this up here. Read the rest of this entry »

{August 19, 2012}   to be continued…

This post has been inspired by quite a few incidents, both in real life, as well as in stories I’ve read or heard about or seen in pieces of fiction based on real life. It addresses several issues, such as the insensitive double standards of women, especially those in the conservative (read backwards) setting of our culture, or the irrational expectations people (in general) have from other people (read every single person they come into contact with). Read the rest of this entry »

{August 15, 2012}   overthinking


i believe it is a tough way of figuring life out, but that there is light at the end. especially when there is a goal. to reach simplicity, you must sift through the clutter of confusion – uljhi taaron ko suljhanay k liye mehnat tou lagti hai. depends how you handle what is thrown your way.

{April 22, 2012}   political correctness

i dont want to be politically correct. i dont want to have to be. 

i think that is what will bring me down. at least in the wrong kind of field. 

in the right field, i will be intrinsically motivated to be politically correct, if i so wish. and not being politically correct, should i still choose so, in the right field wont bring me down because the field is right. 

in the right field, i will be motivated to do at least one thing, as compared to having to do something i dont really want, and being politically correct at it too.

i just want to be correct to myself.

{March 4, 2012}   to be a woman

When I was young, and sometimes even now, I used to wonder, and wish to an extent, why I wasn’t a male. Several reasons made me almost wish things would undo themselves and then restart on their path with me being a man then.

Often I used to try and justify God’s choice to appease me. These justifications included the possibility of me being far more intense as a person in male form than i currently was, which wouldn’t be good for all then, I told myself. I even told myself that if I was to be a man, I’d remember being a woman, and that might get awkward, despite the fact that I might actually enjoy courting women.

I tried reasoning with God, playfully, trying to justify that as a man, I would be the perfect single parent, if need be. But He pointed out I’m assuming I’d remember being a woman. 

But I figured out last night. Perfectly.

If I was a boy to begin with, I’d most likely grow up to be gay.

{November 23, 2011}   Namazi…

Main namaz nahin parhti. Bhool gayee hoon kaise parhte hain.

Lekin mujhe iss baat ki sharmindagi bhi buhut hai.

Ho sakta hai shaitan isi sharmindagi ko istimaal kar k mujhe namaz parhne se aur rok raha hai, aur yeh cycle isi tarha chal rahi hai.

Lekin mera bhi kuch kam qusoor nahin. What’s stopping me from saying my prayers? What’s stopping me from re-learning, especially when I know that the last time it took me hardly 3 days to re-learn.

Har roz main niyyat karti hoon k iss baar when I am home for the whole day, I will take out my class 9 Islamiyat book and see how prayers are said, and then will start saying my prayers. Come that day and I need to catch up on my sleep and do my laundry and what not. Come that night, the circle of guilty planning begins yet again. And there goes another week, another month, another season, another Ramadan.

Iss baar tou rozay bhi chhoot gayay thhay mujh se, I was not well at all, was on pills for blood deficiency and what not, couldn’t walk the length of my house from drawing room to bedroom without beginning to pant – i was basically 92. I kept telling myself I’ll pick up from the end of Ramadan once I get back into my routine of the workaholic life I love, running around, meeting fast approaching deadlines, getting work done. It din’t happen.

Part of the reason I do not pray is also the fact that I face a lot of contradiction in my mind about the balance which one can or must strike between, say, listening to music, and praying. I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I think of saying my obligatory prayers, I get ashamed of the Maliha who loves to sing, sings, loves to act, acts, hangs out with mixed sex company, covers her head not. And that when I say my prayers, or when I used to, I felt ashamed of this Maliha. And that when I sang, or acted, or laughed with a male friend, or wore clothes to look and feel good, I felt ashamed of the Maliha standing in the corner, eyeing me so intensley as if ripping my clothes off, questioning my lack of practice of saying my prayers.

Another reason I feel unable to pray was that I felt that I turned to prayer only when in trouble or pain. Only when I wanted something only He could give me. So part of my guilt also told me I had no right to pray when I pray only selfishly.

So the other day, after a million or so days of contemplation as to which road I should choose, as to whether there is a possible balance which I could strike, as to whether striking such a balance is the right way to go or not – I started talking to God. Every day I used to ask Him to make me stronger enough in my intention to be able to put it to practice. Every other day I asked Him to help me make room in my busy schedule for that Islamiyat book and its chapter on namaz.

It did not work. For a long time. While on the one hand shaitan is to be blamed, I am no less guilty. I allowed shaitan to keep me from my duty, from my right to worship whom I please.

But the guilt was killing me. So I tried to talk to God yet another time. And this time, He gave me an answer.

I asked him to make me pray. He guided me that praying is not something at odds with music, or with feeling happy, or with laughing. If nothing at all, it was a way of thanking Him for all that I have. And I have a lot.

I may not have my music classes, I may not have a family that understands and lets me understand that music or acting or taking time out formyself does not mean I’m an awara besharam larki in the wrong culture. But I have education, I have the ability to comprehend, I have the kind of family who would at least hear me out (the number of times and ways i need to talk to them is another issue), I have friends, I have information, I have passion.

And I am thankful to the One and Only – Allah.

And though I have yet not started saying my prayers, or picked up that Islamiyat book, I know I am one real strong and big step closer to that. I’m almost there, God, I’m almost there. I can do it, I promise You, but I can’t do it without you. So don’t take my life yet, grant me the opportunity to take the few mroe small steps left over, and make this part of my routine. I know it is for my own benefit.

{March 25, 2011}   this is me in ink…

meri soch jab tum se aagay hai
main kiun tumharay saath rahoon

When I first sat down to pen these thoughts, it was coincidentally the time when Veena Malik was quite famous for the fatwa that mufti was dying to pass on her and how she stood her ground and the whole debate. My inspiration to pen them down, however, were my own experiences and mental debates.

There have been times when people have told me off for my interest in music, or my tendency towards acting, or my higher level of ease and comfort with and in the company of guys as compared to girls, and my natural need to hang out with guys cos they do not spend every second of their company bitching, but know how to chill having left all their worries behind them in that moment of company. Read the rest of this entry »

{January 19, 2011}   of dropping…dead..

it was always like this.

he always judged her. they always judged her.

they told her she could do better.

she knew this. but, Read the rest of this entry »

{January 13, 2011}   of Sir, and Sir’s.

Disclaimer: This is just a funny note, and penned only because i quite liked the imagery i came up with when discussing this slight issue with a friend. This note is in no way meant to disrespect my teacher – I have always respected my teachers, if not for the fact that they are my teachers, then at least for the fact that they are older to me, and are still my teachers. Read the rest of this entry »

{January 2, 2011}   failure to belong

i dont belong anywhere
i realized this while watching this drama serial today, i’ve been serialstreaming it for the past couple of days now Read the rest of this entry »

{December 5, 2010}   boo

ok so there are times when i can get so funny i could belong to a sitcom. you know, sometimes, especially when i am with my best friends, especially one of them, i feel like we belong in sitcoms. our original life conversations can be smoothly utilized in sitcoms from the west. so anyway.

about this one time: Read the rest of this entry »

{December 3, 2010}   so full of pain

she knows you’re trying to help her. she wants you to help her too. but all your efforts and all her wants are futile and pointless.

if you try to help her, talk to her, about things other or the same, it will only hurt her more. you will touch her and she will bleed tears. Read the rest of this entry »

{November 30, 2010}   i dont laugh

it’s only with you that i laugh Read the rest of this entry »

{November 30, 2010}   and then there was she

what an utter slut.

{November 21, 2010}   feb 14, 2001 – 10:30pm

He was pouring himself a drink when he heard the click of a key turning in. He turned around and looked, almost hungrily. Read the rest of this entry »

{November 21, 2010}   Something stupid

I first heard this song (cover by Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman) when I Read the rest of this entry »

She stuffed the notebook and pen in her bag, absentmindedly, or rather, habitually placing the things exactly where they belonged, and headed for the door again.

Her step had purpose to it.

She headed toward the door as someone yelled her name Read the rest of this entry »

She stuffed the notebook and pen in her bag, absentmindedly, or rather, habitually placing the things exactly where they belonged, and headed for the door again.

Her step had purpose to it.

She opened the the glass door, Read the rest of this entry »

{September 28, 2010}   fear of the unknown

This is another one of those stories i which i decided i will share with you, dear readers 🙂 so happy learning!

So there was once this man, who was getting old, kind of, and thus had a weakening eye-sight, among other things. Read the rest of this entry »

Note: this has been long due – was done and ready but not published, so here I am, publishing it. happy clothing 😉

My mother has (almost) always been an advocate of buying clothes off racks in outlets that she comes across on her way back from office. She maintains it saves time, saves money, saves tension, and allows you to follow the latest trends as well.

I have always been more inclined toward the tailor culture Read the rest of this entry »

{September 27, 2010}   Lord Voldmort and Adolf Hitler

I’ve been thinking about this for a looong time now. I finally have gotten over my laziness for a while, and here I am, jotting this thought down: ever wondered how similar Lord Voldmort and Adolf Hitler are? Read the rest of this entry »

Amir Khan could have done a much better job with 3 Idiots.

by Maliha Abidi on Saturday, January 23, 2010 at 8:59am

I say this because I do not feel that just because all of the main characters had the same issue (being pressurized into doing something they dint want to) they had to choose the same path (suicide). It would have been much better had one of them tried to Read the rest of this entry »

{September 23, 2010}   Yeh Shaam – Vital Signs

i used to listen to this song over and over again. i had not yet made sense of the world but i knew how to press the rewind button on the tape recorder and what it did. and every time this song faded away into its end, i used to try and follow it right into the tape recorder, wondering sadly where he was going away and why.
(the next song on the cassette used to BLARE out so loud i used to run for cover, my being having jumped right out of my skin, while my parents used to rush to the room from the kitchen wondering what had happened).

{September 23, 2010}   whattay boing i be

I recently burned up a whole box of matches Tom’n’Jerry style (will look for a picture or a video if I can and will upload it in this post for your reference and to add entertainment value to this post at the cost of my sometimes-clumsy being) :p

It would have been funnie had i not burned my hand in the process. And in retrospect, now that the pain/burn is gone, it is funie, so all good, hehe

a glass of juice. another glass of juice. a glass of milk. which is the odd one out? the glass of milk. nope, the second glass of juice. why :s? cos it’s got no originality, man.

{December 27, 2009}   Guilt

I am guilty. I am guilty of treating others who are in some way or the other less blessed than me, in ways I normally do not advocate. It was not me, but I did it. Twice. Read the rest of this entry »

{December 26, 2009}   December 24th 2009

And I realized, with the help of a close friend, that everyone picks who they want to be. Being nice was my thing. Being an asshole who thinks so highly of himself just because he has a different life, was his thing. Read the rest of this entry »

{December 25, 2009}   Doing good without any thought

So the other day, I was at this bakery thing, and the girl next to me in line was checking out all the kinds of sandwiches there were. Seeing undecidedness on her face, I suggested the sandwich I liked the best (not that I had tried any other yet, but I always picked this one whenever I go to this bakery). She was a total stranger but it felt so refreshing and nice to do what I’m used to doing – helping out others and connecting with complete strangers for fleeting moments.

I think it stems from my belief that everyone, no matter how different they try to be from “the rest”, are somehow or the other connected to each other no matter how much they loathe the other person. For example, the users of the same brand of shampoo or toothpaste or makeup brand or those who go to the same outlet to go shopping for clothes….nobody’s better than anyone else, nobody is superior than others, because at some basic level, we’re all the same.

et cetera
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