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“So tonight you’re gonna go to sleep loving her” she said to him in her imagination.
It wasn’t a declaration, really.
It wasn’t a question either…. or maybe it was.
She wasn’t sure.

She didn’t want him to go to sleep thinking about HER because she had somehow suggested it to him…. so she unimagined the statement…….. but her night was no longer a time she could relax. All the ‘rest’ had just been stolen from yet another of her nights.

“Why can’t i just ‘not think’!?” she asked the dark silence in silent anger!

It was a sign of how frustrated she was used to getting – her talking to herself: asking questions, answering them herself, justifying notions that didn’t make sense, and, when all else failed, going to sleep lying to herself, sighing to herself in false comfort, “Well, you know what, chill. This is another night. Go to sleep. Wake up tomorrow to a whole new day, and start anew – afresh – y’know: zero-balance :)”

(Wednesday, December 21, 2005 – 11:14 p.m.)



{December 21, 2005}  

i dont remember the dream. but i know i had it. and it had him. it was all about that: all that i’ve time and again tried to forget as though it had never happened. and it scared me – that dream scared me all over again….. and all the more this time round.



et cetera
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